cucumber's Diaryland Diary

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if a ten ton truck

you know that song by the smiths, 'last night i dreamt that somebody loved me'? i did, i really did. then i woke up of course, sleeping alone on a floor.

the ceiling is moving. i just checked.

the floor seems so much more solid than beds or chairs. i knelt down as if to pray on the hallyway carpeting, and just wailed. there's relief in crying, the draining of energy and the beautiful tragic bloodshot eyes.

i feel bad, and i want a hug, but i dont need pity. i'm okay. i just like writing when i'm sad. i read cucumber more than you, you know. almost every word memorised--for what?

if i understand myself, i can fix myself.

14:35 - 26 October 2001

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chill

i hate winter
it's so cold and unforgiving
and i'm going to have to wear a skirt and nice shoes
and take the bus to some office building
and four hours later i can sneak out for a smoke i mean lunch
(but why eat when you can live 6 days without water?) though i can't live an hour without coca cola

fuck its cold in this room

14:00 - 26 October 2001

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a long week of sunday mornings

as i walked through finch station today
i smelled horses in the air
and wished i could ride one to work (not that i work) instead of the subway
because how could you choose silver over brown?

i hate this only child habit
of locking things inside yourself
and not being strong enough to ask for help

my cheeks are still cold though i've been in for a while
and the tears rolling down them are warming me up

last night i couldnt shut my head
in the sleeping bag on karina's floor
i kept thinking of sandor and all my other sins (if you will)
and wondering how a person can change.

i try to be good, you know
i write pieces of poems on my walls
and look at them when i'm not

i still have sandor's lighter case
with abraham lincoln on it
and a piece of paper tucked inside
after a coffee in tim horton's and a cigarette in the cold morning air.-
happy the man, and happy he alone
he who can call today his own
he who secure within can say
"tomorrow do thy worst:
For i have lived today."

13:52 - 26 October 2001

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