cucumber's Diaryland Diary

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Why Would I Want To Die (Grandaddy)

you didn't really die
you only went away
my drummer, he saw you
buying supplies about a week ago
a couple towns away
south on the interstate
i gave him shit for not telling me sooner than he did
he said he thought I knew
he said everybody else has seen her too
i haven't been around that much
or kept in touch with anyone or anything
you didn't really die
although it seems as if you did
why would you have to hide?
and who stayed on with you
while you hid through all those silent nights?
that silence sure can be real loud
louder than anything
you didn't really die
so what am I to do
with the memories of ours
all chronicled and buried in the backyard
dig them up today
attach a note that says they're yours
leave them at the door of the supplies store
and hope that when you come along
you bring yourself to read them then
and wonder from precisely that they're moment on
why would I wanna die?

why would i want to die? - grandaddy

I feel fairly useless again.

Xenia and I are entertaining the idea of renting an apartment of our own for the summer. We need a third (even a fourth?) person to rent with us though, so we can all afford it.

Why Would I Want To Die reminds me of Sam. Dare I write about Sam? He seems still somewhat fragile, as if to write about him would cause him to turn into dust. I'd jinx him, even more than I already have.

Breifly: Samuel Edward Shields. 01/17/83. Brown hair, eyes. Colour blind. San Diego, California. Vintage clothes. The Divine Comedy. Pulp. Love of God, Pot, Scotland.

Timeline:
Initial meeting: September 97, Polyethylene.
Romanced escalated November 97 - April 98, ICQ.
Bitter fight, April - August 98.
His trip to Scotland, England July 98.
Rekindling September 98 - January 99.
Vague, distant conversation January 99 - April 00.
I go out with Brad April - July 00.
Breif dalliance July - August 00.
Absolute lack of contact, hostility when contacted August 00 to present.

One day I'll write how and why I could love him so much, and drop everything in a second to be with him. I can't seem to just yet though.

11:41 p.m. - 2001-05-15

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