cucumber's Diaryland Diary
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no
by the way
please don't try to comfort me
it only makes me feel embarassed
03:09 - 13 November 2001
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into the mountain
everytime i'm alone lately i get sad.
it's not because i feel lonely, but more that it gives me more time to think about bad things.
like that rezo's a great person but not great for me.
and my eyes hurt and my heart hurts and my left side hurts. every morning when i wake up i can't breathe. i can feel my body rusting and breaking. i need to quit smoking. and quit drugs. it's not fair to quit alcohol yet; i haven't even had a chance to go out drinking legally.
i couldn't run away from all of this if i tried. it's in my blood, you know. everyone in my family is addicted to something.
when i was a kid i tried to hide it. deny it. i said it wouldn't happen to me. i flushed cigarettes poured full beers into the sink and broke the stems of pot plants. loudly and vociferously i complained about smoke in my face, in my clothes in my lungs.
my mom and i only fought when she was drunk. but it was me who started the fights. you're weak. act like a fucking mother for once instead of the child!
i had to protect her then, but i'm too far away now. it's time for jack to take lead, almost 10 years old. i remember throwing my body on top of hers, hoping my stepfather would give mercy to a 12 year old girl --even if he didn't care about ruining her mother's pretty face. fucking 911 never helped, they thought i was prank calling them. yeah right, kid, stop bothering us.
well fuck you world, no wonder i don't go out much. the depression set in again and i'm afraid i might start loving my happy pills more than myself again.
i will email you soon
02:50 - 13 November 2001
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mark wahlberg's body double
02:46 - 13 November 2001
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